On Monday, the world learned the sad news of the death of Dieter Brummer, who died on Saturday.  Alongside roles in Neighbours, Underbelly, Crash Palace, Shark Bay and Adrenaline Junkies, Dieter was probably best known for playing Shane Parrish in Home and Away from 1992 to 1996, where he became one of the most popular and sought after soap stars both in Australia and the UK.  He won award after award and became one half of the ‘Scott and Charlene’ of the nineties when Shane met and fell in love with Angel.

I was about eight or nine years old when Dieter pitched up in Summer Bay as Shane, cadging a lift from Alf Stewart and getting thrown out of the car within minutes for being so cheeky.  Now, I’m a gay woman but Dieter Brummer was always ‘the boy I loved’.  From the moment he appeared on screen with his blonde hair, earring and silly hat, I was besotted.  My room was covered in posters from floor to ceiling well into 1996 when he departed the show.  I spent so much of my pocket money on every magazine I could get my hands on even if had only the smallest article about him.  Of a weekend, I could come back from the newsagents laden with the likes of Inside Soap, TV Hits, Smash Hits, Shout, Bliss.. the list was endless!  He was on the front cover of everything!  I had two scrapbooks – one relating to Shane and one relating to Dieter.  I actually only got rid of them a few years ago and in light of what has happened, I feel very sad that I did.

I remember when I started secondary school, my English teacher allowed us to cover our exercise book in whatever we wanted.  She wanted us to express ourselves!  So of course, my book was immediately covered with posters of Dieter, one on the back and one on the front.  Despite being aware, in the back of my mind that I was gay, Dieter always held and will always hold a very special place in my heart.  I mean, there was a time when I was certain I was going to marry him!

Back when you had to watch TV when it was actually on (or set your VCR on a timer), I never missed an episode of Home and Away.  I was so besotted with Shane (and also quite besotted with Shannon Reed – please see my previous blog post) and I loved watching his journey from very naughty boy to sweet romantic as he fell in love with Angel.  I loved watching him make mistakes and I loved watching him fix them.  I loved his war with Tug O’Neal, followed by his war with Jack Wilson.  I loved his friendship with Damien Roberts.  I loved how devoted he was to Angel and to her son, Dylan, who he loved as his own.  Their wedding had me beyond emotional.  And I was utterly devastated when the news broke that my Dieter Brummer was leaving the show.  When Shane and Angel’s first wedding anniversary rolled around and Shane died in Angel’s arms… it was a death I have never forgotten.

After that, I tried so hard to watch Dieter in everything I could, although a lot of the programmes he featured in after Home and Away were a little too obscure for UK television.  His two stints in Neighbours were fantastic and I was so happy to see him back on screen.  I still tried to keep track of him as best I could and it sounded like he was doing very well, running his own window cleaning business.

So when my cousin sent me a WhatsApp on Monday morning with the news of his death, I was and still am genuinely devastated and from all I have seen on social media, I am definitely not the only one.  So many people have written as fans who adored him like I did.  And so many people have written of working with him and of his kind and generous spirit and sense of fun.  The number of colleagues who have come forward and expressed their grief is a testament to the person he was.  I hate to think of the pain he must have been in and I feel so terrible for his loved ones and loss they must be experiencing right now.

Rest now, Dieter. You were loved.

In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org or jo@samaritans.ie. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is at 800-273-8255 or chat for support. Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org