Hollyoaks: Twisted Firestarter

(Monday 2nd – Friday 13th March 2020)

Joel saves Liam’s bacon at the last minute, although Warren can’t resist humiliating Liam one last time before he leaves.  Liam swears revenge on Warren.  He sets poor Maxine the task of spiking Warren’s drink and is furious when she stands up to him and refuses, having finally worked out that he is not on her side.  Warren sets upon Liam a second time when he realises that he has been harassing Maxine and promises to always look out for her.  After refusing to attend the scattering for Jesse’s ashes, Liam gets drunk and literally ends up in the gutter, pleading with Maxine for help.

She takes pity on him and appeals to James to support Liam, which he reluctantly agrees to, escorting him to be with his family to say goodbye to Jesse.  But when Liam makes a move on James and is turned down, the mood changes and Liam is set back on revenge against Warren, Mercedes, James, Sylver and Maxine who are all pinned up on his weird little dartboard.  He deliberately lets Grace see the board, enjoying watching them know they are in danger and his first port of call is to get Warren arrested for attacking him, leaving Mercedes vulnerable.

Liam’s creepy dartboard…

It’s an emotional moment as Tony and Diane finally confront the fact that she had a relationship in his absence, although she lies to him about the details, you know about the fact that she was sleeping with his Dad.  She claims she was seeing a businessman called Barnaby (Barnaby?!?!) that she met on a dating app, he never met the kids and she didn’t love him.  That’s a hell of a lot of thinking on the spot, Diane!  Despite his heartbreak, accidentally hitting on his sister and constant interference from Edward, the couple talk things through and finally get back to the place we all hoped they would while Tony was being held captive.  I am sure it won’t last long, unfortunately.

When Yasmine is told once and for all that her only option is to wear hearing aids, sweetheart Tom helps her bling them up to make them feel more like hers.  They arrive home to find Sami and Verity at it on the couch.  Delightful.  Yas is accepted onto a journalism course.

Nancy reads Darren the riot act when he forgets to pick Oscar up from school, too busy practising for an upcoming stand up night (with some very not funny jokes).  He lets his son down again by not making him a costume for World Book Day and loses his temper with Jack when he asks after his well-being.  Home alone, Darren ignores calls and texts from Luke.  While Mandy becomes increasingly impatient with Darren, nobody seems to notice the state of utter despair he has fallen into.

Toby and Celeste want revenge…

Celeste and Toby continue to plot and eagerly get the gossip from Mercedes about how Breda murdered Lisa’s father.  Also, just as an aside, does nobody know that Breda killed Glenn Donovan?  The two weirdos continue to plot to get more information from Lisa about Martine by Toby hitting on her, which quite frankly, is just a bit unsettling, as he is supposed to be her cousin.  He later loses his temper when he finds out that Celeste has been having it away with Romeo, not wanting to put their plan in jeopardy.

Mitchell, Scott and Martine return from their holiday, just in time for Mitchell (and Toby’s birthday).  Scott throws Mitchell a very rainbow party and hosts it as Anita, although he does tone it down at Mitchell’s request.  He also has a quiet word with Walter, imploring him to made amends with his grandson; it’s all he wants for his birthday.  Against the odds, Walter does show up to the party and even brings a gift, just as Mitchell tells everyone how deeply he loves Scott (which suddenly doesn’t repel him).

Toby and Celeste watch the happy family reunion in horror and unable to take it anymore, Toby bursts out with the truth: he is Martine’s son and Mitchell’s twin brother.  Walter shuts Scott out as the family hurry home with Toby and Martine attempts to explain.  She was in an abusive relationship and already five months gone when she realised she was pregnant.  Her partner all but forced her to give the babies up for adoption, having found a Doctor he was sure would be a much better parent than they could ever be.  But Mitchell was poorly and the Doctor didn’t want him so Martine kept him.  Toby clarifies that he did not have a better life.  Mitchell is destroyed by the revelations, including that Walter knew all along and was partly responsible for Martine’s decision making.

Toby returns home and rages at Celeste over Martine’s explanation.  Celeste is furious that Martine didn’t even mention her, lending to the long held fan theory that she and Toby are not husband and wife but brother and sister.  They are interrupted by Lisa, who wants answers and manages to reach Toby (but not Celeste) through telling her own story.  Martine comes completely clean to Mitchell – he isn’t a twin; he is a triplet and also has a sister.  In their flat, Toby and Celeste blow out candles on a shared birthday cake.

Toby agrees to speak to Martine; she wants to hear his story.  Through all of this, we see flashbacks to Toby’s childhood, locked up behind a red door, provided for practically but not loved.  He communicates with a girl (Celeste) through the wall and it soon transpires that the triplets have been separated and studied – same genes, different experience, how do they grow and turn out?  Nature vs Nurture.  Well, it’s an interesting idea except that the book, The Red Door, wouldn’t pass an ethics test.  You can’t base a book on child abuse and just get away with it.  Also, I have read that they wouldn’t have been eligible for that kind of study as they’re not identical twins.  Well, they’re not even twins, there’s a triplet missing.  So the testing doesn’t even make sense even if it would pass the ethics.  So, all in all, nice idea, Hollyoaks but it doesn’t work.  Fail.  Oh, and they escaped their prison by burning the place down and running away!

So, after keeping their secret for this long, Celeste slips up with Scott and despite Toby telling her that her daughter is dead, Martine soon realises the truth: Celeste is not his wife, she is her child.  But Celeste doesn’t want a mother.  She slaps her instead.  She and Toby then manipulate Mitchell into helping them track down their father, Felix.  They have more revenge in mind.

Jordan returns to the Village and immediately sets Juliet the task of selling drugs outside a local school.  She takes the job against Sid’s advice, eager to make some quick cash.  However, she gets cocky and gets herself arrested by PC Kiss.  James gets her out of trouble but it shakes Juliet up and she refuses to sell anything more.  Unfortunately, she has already got herself in too deep with Jordan who warns her that she must keep working for him or he will expose her previous misdemeanours to her family.

Juliet is in too deep…

Ollie is tempted to seek drugs from Jordan when he feels low over the loss of his baby and that Brooke doesn’t care.  However, he changes his mind when he and Brooke finally reconnect.  Brody and Liberty continue to bond over the baby and confess to Damon that it was conceived ‘the old fashioned way’.

Channel 4 at 6:30pm or a sneak peek 7pm on E4

These reviews are based on the E4 episodes

Neighbours: The Order

(Tuesday 17th March 2020)

Mark B and Paige and family are excited about the upcoming wedding and honeymoon to Rome.  Mark asks Aaron to be his best man.  Off screen, Jack talks Brad and Lauren round when they worry that Paige and Mark are moving too fast and he also offers to bring Gabe to the wedding.  Aww, he’s so lovely.  I do much prefer Jack to Mark.  I really need to get over this.  I feel like I am the only one who isn’t delighted that Mark and Paige are back together.  Am I missing something here?  Well, at least Paige is a little nervous about how they are going to make a long distance marriage work!

Gary is left broken hearted…

Gary too, is very excited about his own wedding.  He is disappointed that Prue and Harlow haven’t made things up and that Harlow isn’t coming, although Prue doesn’t seem very bothered.  Sadly, his world comes crashing down around him when he receives a text from Harlow, informing him that Prue was forced to leave The Order; she didn’t leave of her own accord as she has claimed.  Prue admits that she couldn’t pay up so she was thrown out of The Order and now they are chasing her for money.  Heartbroken at being the consolation prize yet again, Gary walks out on her.  He shares a heart warming moment with Sheila, which makes me worry for both their lives and then heads off to The Island to makes things right with Kyle.  When Paul gleefully informs Prue that Gary has left her, she grabs a honeymoon box and hurtles after him.

Prue follows Gary to The Island…

Things remain tense between Terese and Paul after he used her wedding vows to write a letter from Richard to Jane.  She is particularly unimpressed with the way he goads Gary.  She forces Paul to admit to Jane what he did, prompting Jane to feel very guilty but also to stand up for Paul and remind Terese just why she loves him so much.  Paul attempts to make things right with Terese and sincerely apologises to her.  Privately, they renew their vows in place of Gary and Prue’s wedding, although it doesn’t count as one of the Big Five.  Terese admits that she read some of Jane’s letters to Richard and she and Paul begin to hatch a plan to help her find happiness for herself.

Sky reconnects with the Rebecchi family but they notice that she is very cagey about her life and Dylan, from whom she has separated.  She asks Jane to keep quiet about her upcoming wedding.  Lesbians everywhere desperately look forward to the arrival of Lana!

Channel 5, weekdays 1:45pm and 5:30pm

Plus Neighbours Late: Endgame 10pm, Channel 5

Neighbours: Goodbye

(Monday 16th March 2020)

So, it’s the first night of Neighbours Late: Endgame and Finn, Bea, Elly, Baby Aster, Kyle, Roxy, Pierce, Chloe and Toadie charge on over to Pierce and Chloe’s island, which is all set up with tents and invisible staff.  And it’s more like the first bit of the island they reach in Bear Grylls than the one they finally settle at.

Roxy and Kyle a flirting up a storm…

But anyway, while Roxy flirts up a storm with Kyle alongside insisting that she has sworn off men, Finn is a man on a mission.  He winds Elly up by being all over Bea.  She pushes him to stop stringing her sister along, not realising that a) when he’s getting intimate with Bea he’s literally visualising her, b) he has already set up a bomb to go off back home and c) his memories have returned and he has some sinister plans in mind.

Feigning the need to nap, he sends the others off to the beach to swim and play cricket in order to lay his trap – an old mine in the forest.  He then dives back into his tent, pretending he was asleep the whole time for when Bea returns.  The couple then head out for a walk and what do they find?  The old mine!  He pretends to have forgotten his old phone and wants to take a picture of her, thus needing hers.  Getting her to the edge of hole, he tells her goodbye and shoves her in.

Bea is trapped…

Poor, trusting Bea calls out for Finn, frustrating him.  He returns to the top of the mine, explaining that he had hoped it would be a quick death.  He hadn’t wanted her to suffer.  He reveals that he is in love with Elly and she is in the way as Elly would always be loyal to her while she is around.  Now, they will think she has gone missing and they’ll find her, having fallen in the mine and died of dehydration.

Meanwhile, naughty Hendrix and Harlow have sneaked onto the island.  And who should bring them ashore but Harry Sinclair, Finn’s former accomplice?  But isn’t he supposed to be in jail…?

What is Harry doing out a jail, let alone on the island…?

Channel 5, weekdays 1:45pm and 5:30pm

Plus Neighbours Late: Endgame 10pm, Channel 5